Removing negativity
I tells ya, the more significant the change in your life, the more you realize which are your friends and which aren't. I'm going through quite a significant number of changes in a very short period of time, I don't need to suddenly be defending my being trans when I'm looking for support.
So enough of that. I'm done being attacked. I've spent the vast majority of my life defending from attacks. Verbal attacks, emotional attacks. Not so much physical ones, so small blessings I suppose. But I'm done with that. I think I'm also done being indiscriminately nice. I've unfortunately learned the lesson one too many times that if you're nice to everyone, you're going to get taken advantage of, and if you're nice once, holy christ do people take and take and take. You give an inch, they take four and a half miles, and then complain when your production slows down. Nah, fuck it, I'm done accepting that. Now you have to earn my niceness. Either it's absolutely random, such as stomping words in the snow or buying coffee for the car behind me, or it's selective. Too many people aren't capable of controlling themselves when free help is offered.
On that subject (sorta), I've decided I'm going to start volunteering at a cat shelter type place. It's the place that I've applied to work for in the past, and hopefully will get to know them well enough to eventually be able to work there and y'know... earn the ability to pay for food and shelter from them. Otherwise, I'm currently waiting to be contacted by a handful of temp agencies :/
It's kinda in all of that mess that the bullshit forcing me to slice people from my life came about. The problem is that I wanna work at this place eventually, they got my resume. I dropped it off in person as <old name> (note about that in a minute), with that name on my resume. I've gotta go there guyed up, at least to begin with, meaning I've gotta start by introducing myself as <old name> instead of Tannis, which is the name I've been giving for everything else after moving. It just feels like a massive step backwards in my transition, y'know? I fully, honestly want to change my name legally to Tannis at this point. My old name is still great and all, and I don't know if my family will understand why I'm changing it (I hope so), but it just feels... *wrong* to give my old name at this point. I just have too many negative connotations with it at this point unfortunately. It doesn't *feel* like my name any more. That's the name of the guy that was hiding in the closet, no clue what the hell was going on in my head or what the hell was wrong with me. I literally find myself close to tears when I think about giving my name to people that I want to get to know, and get to help, as <old name>.
If there's money behind it like with the temp agency, or anything get-income-related (which is also why Thingies and Stuff is listed under <old name>/Kabuthunk), I can justify it in my mind for that. Money=food=life. Easy peasy, I'll call myself damn near anything if it means I get to put food in my mouth later.
The place I want to volunteer for though? I *respect* that place. I actually *want* to spend time there. I *want* them to know me as Tannis. So what I have to do is go in as <old name>, get them to know the 'real' me after the fact, and over time hopefully be able to bring up the Transgender thing and have people start calling me Tannis. And hopefully at some point in the future after that, I can work for them outright and y'know... not need to rely on temp agencies and the like in order to stay alive. Still gotta support myself... there's no two ways around that. Foods gotta be got, and shelter's gotta be had, and that shit costs money.
And more or less, I want to secure food and shelter before legally changing my name to Tannis. The last thing I need right now is to have a hurdle such as a nonstandard name in the (as unfortunate as it is) politically-correct, male-dominated, societally-backwards environment that is the typical office. Yes, many offices are not, but many still are, and first and foremost, I need food.
I'm a patient girl. I've waited this long, I can wait until I'm in a more economically supportive environment before making re-employment even harder on myself. I've already removed my given name from Facebook, so at least now I can post a little bit more freely, without worrying that a potential employer will locate my profile and decline hiring me based on what they see. Gotta look at reality unfortunately... a lot of people will look at me and not see a woman, but an HR-nightmare waiting to happen.
And those are the exact type of people I'll be slicing from my life as time goes by. If you don't see me as a trans woman, then your input in my life is no longer needed :)
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WOOH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZEBETH! years and running, not too shabby. Also, figured I'd give everyone an update on my life. I'll get an anniversary comic rolling in the next bit.
And check it out, back to carpeting. It's warmer, at least. So yeah, I've finished moving, and am slowly tying up the million loose ends that need tying in general these days.
Losing a ton of clutter in my life too. Got rid of a significant portion of my possessions, with more to follow. Gonna start cutting the negative people from my life as well.
If i'm looking for support and someone puts me on the full-defensive, I choose to no longer defend. Now I'll simply remove the source of negativity. I don't need that shit in my life.
Most sprites are property of Nintendo, who are awesome and and amazing and stuff, and also this is a parody and also it's free and stuff.
Comics, ideas, Kabutroid, and other custom content owned by KatieLynne Jackson. I'm pretty easygoing, and really don't mind all that much if you make content based on my content and stuff. Just don't go impersonating me and we're cool.
